Friday, 2 July 2010

Where's Wesley Snipes when you need him?

Opinions are divided as to whether the Twilight saga is a modern, artistic outlet for the muffled voice of the complicated and misunderstood teenage generation, or, just complete garbage. However I see past the debate and recognise a much greater and far more pressing issue. When the vampires inevitably attack, will we pull Sarah Michelle Gellar out of retirement and pick up the nearest pitch-fork, or will we swoon and present our willing necks because we consider their attack to be a desperate, romantic plea to be understood and accepted?

The only reason we know so much about vampires, aliens and monsters is because we see so much of them in films; though recently there's been an unhealthy obsession with vampires, like they're trying to prepare us for something. Thankfully, films teach us how to deal with these creatures; for example, there are three acceptable methods of surviving a zombie attack; buying a shotgun, being Will Smith, or going to the pub and waiting for the whole thing to blow over. However when a dangerous species is looking to integrate into human society, films teach us we should be tolerant, yet suspicious - like America, but without confusing tolerance with racism.

Now it's not that Twilight is poorly written, has unconvincing supporting characters, and tells teenagers that it's acceptable to get freaky with animals; sorry, it's not just that Twilight is awful, flimsy and promotes bestiality, but it's also deceiving our youth. With the seemingly irresistible mixture of sparkly skin, moussed hair and vacant stares, Twilight is slowly lulling teenagers into a false, romantic acceptance of the vampire species. It seems that too few teenagers today know how to maintain and operate a pump-action shotgun, or how to perform an exorcism.

In some cases it's not only teenagers, but adults that are being affected by the blatant vampire propaganda. So called 'Twi-mums' seem to be equally as mislead as their ignoramus teenage daughters - that's right, paedophilia can be added to the list of disgusting things that Twilight promotes, along with bestiality, necrophilia and hematophilia.

Despite all this I'm not too worried about a vampire attack, because if films teach us anything it's that the humans always survive. Sure, we're usually the cause of the epidemic, or we provoke the horde of dangerous monsters into attacking by poking them with a long stick, but we pull through nonetheless. You might think that the chances of an attack by vampires is quite slim; personally I think it's about as unlikely as Volvo using Twilight to promote their cars to an audience that aren't even old enough to drive.