Friday, 30 April 2010

Palpatine gets my vote

What with the parliamentary election coming up I feel as though I should make an effort to get involved. As a 'first-time-voter' I've been encouraged to show an interest in the election in order to make an informed and well-reasoned vote based on what I believe to be the best for the nation. I have no idea which political party to vote for, so I figured that the best approach would be to work out who I don't want to vote for, and then chose whoever is left.

I've gone out of my way when searching for information on each of the political parties; pausing to watch news television channels before switching over to E4, listening to the radio when they broadcast amusing political bloopers, and browsing tabloid newspaper articles located next to the comic strips. I certainly feel as though I've covered all the angles.

But despite my relentless search for information I managed to learn only two things; that the public is given too much say in proceedings, and that politicians are easily distracted. Reading the public's opinions on the election campaign is like sitting next to your father whilst he contradicts every choice made by the teams playing in the FA Cup final. Why is it that the ill-informed general public has say over the experts who's job it is to run the nation? Fundamentally, our country uses the same election process as Strictly Come Dancing - I'm surprised that we can't vote using the Red Button.

Now I'm all for democracy, but it seems that the sort of political party I'd like to vote for is The Dark Side. The Emperor doesn't waste time squabbling with other politicians or searching for public appraisal. And he's not afraid to step on - or electrocute - a few Jedi toes to complete his political promises. Sure, he might blow most of the defence-budget on fancy Space Stations capable of destroying planets, but he makes up for it by cutting back on things like moisturiser, public relations, and target practice for Stormtroopers.

Perhaps I just want to see a politician willing to forego the customary search for mass commendation and replace it with dedicated, consequential work that actually makes a worthwhile difference in our society. Because the way I see it, if we stop asking the politicians to incessantly seek our approval, it might actually give them enough time to get on with their jobs. Then again, they might just spend their time endlessly chasing 'Rebel scum' across the galaxy - it's swings and roundabouts really.

Saturday, 24 April 2010

A gay first post

I've been known to enjoy the occasional episode of Sex and the City on Comedy Central in the early hours of the morning. Not only does it provide me with a gateway into the mind of the modern woman, it's sometimes funny, somewhat stylish and you occasionally get to see a bit of boob. However despite my obvious affection for the show, I wouldn't admit to watching it if asked. If I reveal my true feelings towards Sex and the City, will people think I'm 'gay'?

The problem is that the word 'gay' has lost all meaning. I, on a daily basis, can describe washing machines, lamp posts, dogs and wireless internet settings as 'gay'; and I hate myself for it. Not because it's a blatant misuse of the word, or even because it's offensive towards homosexuals, but because I'm unable to find an appropriate substitute when I wish to express my dislike for a particular object or person. Basically, I own an impeccably poor vocabulary.

Despite my attempts to improve my range of vocabulary, I can't foresee the phrase 'gay' being replaced any time soon. It's because the word 'gay' perfectly encompasses everything you want to say. It's just easier than describing the scoop of ice cream that has fallen off your cone and onto the floor as 'frowned upon, shunned from modern society and disliked by the elderly'. Essentially we've hijacked the word from the homosexuals because we're too lazy to express ourselves coherently.

I feel a degree of sympathy towards the homosexual community for the misuse of their word. Only when homosexuality is truly acceptable within society will the phrase become obsolete and fade away; though a much more likely conclusion is that homosexuality is officially banned, and the law is enforced by a Power Rangers-like multi-machine consisting of Republicans, the BNP, Australia and Christianity, wielding an ironic penis-shaped sword of prejudice and intolerance.

However this still doesn't solve my original dilemma regarding my love of the sassy New York singletones and their sexy, sushi-fuelled lives. If I admit to liking the show will people call me 'gay'? They probably will - but it'll be because they can't think of an appropriate insult like 'homo' or 'raving bender boy'.